The tiniest incidents can trigger insight. A couple of days ago, in conversation with a friend, she asked whether I had decided to enter a year-long training program. Following last week’s interview they’d accepted me, but I was still dithering. “What’s holding you up?” she asked. I’m not sure of two things. One, whether I actually need this training; that is, whether I don’t already have the skills. Second, whether it’s not extravagant to spent money on something that won’t bring much income in return.
“Would you enjoy doing it? Did you not tell me that you respect the teachers you met, that you like Berkeley, and that friends have offered you a bed for when you’re there?” All of those, I admitted. “Then would you consider this as a treat to yourself, an enjoyable experience — as well as an opportunity to learn and to grow spiritually, to acquire knowledge and skills that would support your vow to be of service?”
That’s when the penny dropped. So I could allow myself this experience, not because of a lack, not because it would yield a ‘return on investment,’ but because it would give me pleasure? The word deficiency came to mind: “the state of being deficient; lack; incompleteness; insufficiency.”
This insight speaks directly to self-worth. Instead of seeing my/self as lacking and needing certain things to become whole, I can do them for the mere joy of it. What a concept! I imagine (naturally!) that for many of you, this is not a big insight, but for me it’s huge. It represents a 190 degree shift of how I see myself in the world. Makes sense?