(A follow-up to the previous two posts.) Curious to explore my poor eating and self-care habits, I heed Bayda’s suggestion to get to know this self-care-less-ness. That same day, on the phone with a former teacher, I realize that grief is a big part of the mix. Rather than “making” sense of the messiness, she urges me to stay with the sensation, to follow wherever it leads. A gaping hole opens in my heart-space. Tears of relief and self-comforting: yes I’m grieving; so many losses.
As I continue this meditation, focus on the ego diminishes and sensory awareness deepens. Calmness as tears subside. Heat in hands and feet, beginning at the tips of fingers and toes, as if being charged by a generator. Energy expanding to elbows and knees. Nary a thought: mostly sensation.
Where did grief go? Where sadness? Does it matter? The analyzing mind tries to take over but sensory awareness won’t budge. As S.N. Goenka tells us each evening of a 10-day retreat: Take rest. Take rest. Take rest.
“Admit the void; accept loss forever,” writes Jack Kerouac. “Freedom in the use of symbolism comes from the capacity to experience loss. Wisdom is mourning; blessed are they that mourn.”
source: Jack Kerouac (1922-1969); one of his 30 “essentials” listed in Belief and technique for modern prose. In: Brown, N.O. (1990). Love’s body. Berkeley, CA: University of California Press, p. 260. image: I wish more bloggers would acknowledge sources of illustrations; this one remains “anonymous.”