It finally got to me. By “it” I mean the awareness that I have to leave this job at hospice, and this loving community of co-workers. By “me” I mean all of me, not just the thinking me which had a month to get used to the idea, figure out why I couldn’t apply for the full-time position, return to not-knowing.
Once more I’m reminded–viscerally–of the impact of loss groups and individuals. By way of emails, cards, letters, and face-to-face encounters people have expressed their sadness and dismay at my leaving. Intuition tells us, as does grief and systems theory, that the moment someone is taken out of a relationship equation, all members of that system undergo shock. Some absorb it subconsciously, others deal with it intellectually, yet others pretend it’s not worth the fuss. For some it stirs up prior losses, for others doubts and fear. No-one goes unscathed.
Through cruel now, it serves a deeper kindness,
Wise to the larger call of growth.
It invites us to humility.
And the painstaking work of acceptance.
One a day like this, I don’t give a **** about humility. growth, and acceptance. גם זה יעבור, gam zeh yaavor. This too shall pass.
source: Excerpt from “For failure” in O’Donohue, J. (2008). To bless the space between us. New York: Doubleday, pp. 115-6. image: ameliaclark.com
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The fluid ability to support or deal with loss in general (at a distance) is one matter. To cope with closer, more personal loss is quite another.
it catches me off guard. with my focus on others’ suffering, I forget my own.
from N: Read your post today and wonder – this is your job to support people through major transitions. How are you doing?
thank you for asking !!! i came home and changed the ending of today’s post. feel a curious melange of emptyness-freedom and sadness-anger, etc. interesting times.