“Grieving takes as long as it takes” were my words a year ago, written while undergoing the most horrendous loss I’d ever known (see tab “on grieving” above). Well, maybe not the most horrendous loss, but the most acute period of awareness I’d ever witnessed. But how long it would last and where it would take me I didn’t have a clue at the time (and still don’t to this day).
A life comprises losses, small one, large ones; some go by without fuss, others rattle our very foundations. I remember being catapulted into a state of wide awakedness. It took the experience of abandonment and rejection to cause my body to ache, my heart to spasm, and my head to spin. “Pay attention! This is your Big Lesson,” said a voice from deep within.
Against this backdrop, and almost a year later, I find that parts of me continue to resist learning. They resents having to still grieve, to ache, to long for. They’d rather replay old films of how things used to be and fantasizes about a magic return to former happiness. Then, last night, as I began to pay attention to my body, I noticed that my right side felt as if paralyzed, crippled, shrunken. Exploring further, I came upon this resistance to healing. Such a paradox, not wanting to heal! To my surprise, I welcomed this discovery. And by mere noting my heart opened to not-knowing and whatever lessons I’m still to learn.
As I write the following morning, everything seem less weighty; I feel refreshed, encouraged. Not once did I ask “why am I still feeling this way” or “what shall I do about it.” Those would have been the automatic response in the past. Now I delight in mere noticing.
Stephen Levine expresses his discomfort with the term spiritual healing, because to him–
“[the spirit] is un-injured, the un-injurable, the boudarilessness of being, the deathless. … Healing is not forcing the sun to shine but letting go of the personal separatism, the self-images, the resistance to change, the fear and anger, the confusion that form the opaque armoring around the heart … [This process] opens the way to reveal the ever-healed within.”
source: Levine, S. (1987). Healing onto life and death. New York: Anchor/Doubleday, p.6.
